Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
