You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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