Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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