ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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