There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
