she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
