ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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