She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
