Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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