A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
