She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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