Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
