tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
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Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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