I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
