the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
