He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
