Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
