At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
