I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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