On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
