Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
