Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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