My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
