I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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