theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
