stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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