I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
