How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
