i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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