I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
