I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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