when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
