No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
