I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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