I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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