woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
