Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
