The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have tasted many bathrooms
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
