I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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