he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
