just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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