I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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