dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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