you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
