tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
