If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
