why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
