Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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