Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
