We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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