You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
