Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
