My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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