were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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