i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
